Closed Doors and Open Windows

I wanted to share  a few pages from my new journal. When I resigned from my job last week it was definitely bittersweet. While I have been in need of a workplace change for at least the last year, not having a back-up plan is scary. I will say that I feel more relaxed and as you can see in my painting....optimistic!

The beginning of an idea:

to almost finished painting.......

The idea for this painting came from an email a former co-worker sent me. He said to "be careful not to miss the open window because you are staring so hard at the back of the closed door." That makes so much sense. So, as I step on to this new path.....adding to my "soul map", I try hard to look for the open windows! 

oh yeah, and handmade journals!

I've also been creating handmade journals! Funny, the little blue one is my stress journal....for writing down my stressors and then hopefully, leaving them there. I didn't realize it at the time but it is the tiniest of all of my journals.....optimistic? you betcha!

Art Lately................

So....I have not blogged much over the past several months.....but I have been painting:

Self Portraits

and...

Faces

and...

Feelings

and in the studio

of

friends.....

"Every child is an artist

the problem is staying an artist

when you grow up"

Pablo Picasso

A Beautiful Gift From the Poet Sally Atkins

I am such a huge fan of the poetry of Sally Atkins. I had the pleasure of meeting her last Fall and taking her dream workshop. I just recently received another one of her books in the mail with the beautiful inscription "For Kristin, Who lives in her own soul house and speaks from the heart in word and image."

From the book "And When " We Speak" by Margo Fuchs and Sally Atkins

Tension

In my dreams

I am very wild

And you can see

The cracks

In my daily life.

Yet there is the impulse

To act, the longing

For letting go.

Still there is courage

In the morning

For making coffee

And in the evening

Making dinner

Keeping up the trappings

Of an ordinary life

When already

I have entered

The silence behind me

by Sally Atkins (Poems of Earth)

Getting Ready for a Return to my Blog

I've been gone too long. I think I've been hiding...from myself....from my words....from the truth....I plan to post soon.....just one problem....where to begin?

been hibernating!

Wow! It has been almost 4 months since I've posted anything on my blog. I'm not even sure where to begin. I tend to hide away in late Fall and Winter...withdrawing from everything.....staying close to home...I think it is probably seasonal affective disorder. I always look so forward to Spring...new growth, new beginnings, longer days and letting fresh air in.....into my home and my lungs. Spring is almost here....right around the corner, and I am beginning to feel a little more like myself. Next Tuesday I begin a new journey....I am getting on an airplane....flying to Seattle, meeting a friend of a friend to share a rental car with....picking up a dear friend along the way and am attending Artfest! in Port Townsend, WA. I will be sharing a room in a dorm with 3 other women I have never met...taking art classes from artist/ instructors I've followed for years. While I know that I am going to have a wonderful time....and as LK says "no need to worry, you are headed out to be with your tribe....really!".....I still worry myself....can Rex take care of the kids? get Rowan to daycare on time? will Rowan miss me? feelings of guilt....feeling selfish for taking a vacation by myself. Crazy, I know. Sometimes I just can't help myself. I am a worldwide worrier! So, for the next few days I will try to just breathe and will look forward to posting about my great art adventure when I return home....to embracing my family, holding them close and sending the Winter blahs far far away..........

Listening to quiet....soothing music this evening.......

Last Week's Gathering

In last week's Expressive Arts gathering we worked with collage. When we arrived there
were beautiful images spread out in a circle on the floor.
Jena opened by reading a beautiful poem.

Sometimes

Sometimes
if you move carefully
through the forest
breathing
like the ones
in the old stories
who could cross
a shimmering bed of dry leaves
without a sound,
you come to a place
whose only task
is to trouble you
with tiny
but frightening requests
conceived out of nowhere
but in this place
beginning to lead everywhere.
Requests to stop what
you are doing right now
and
to stop what you
are becoming
while you do it,
questions
that can make
or unmake
a life,
questions
that have patiently
waited for you,
questions
that have no right
to go away.

2003 by David Whyte

Jena asked us to look at the images and pick one. She then asked us to close our eyes and let an image pick us. The image that I was most drawn to is this painting by Marc Chagall. I am in love with the colors, the imagery, and the whimsy in his work. I want to live in one of his paintings....to fly....or float through the clouds. Although, I will say that the painting below may be a little more disturbing than the ones I am referring to.....I don't think this person is flying or floating....looks more like descending into a fiery pit.

Anyway....

Below is the image that chose me.....with my eyes closed....feeling all of the different papers in front of me this is what landed in my hand. My first thought was "yuck"....I don't like this image at all....it is not interesting....I never would have chosen it if my eyes had been open and so I was trying to understand why it had chosen me. So let me back up a little. At the beginning of our gathering we each take turns talking about what is happening in our lives.....what we are bringing to the studio.....I had mentioned that I was going to begin an online art class from a dear friend and much admired artist Misty Mawn. One of the women in my group helped me see why this image chose me. Many people from all over the world will sit down at their computers this Saturday and learn how to "paint layers" with Misty. Women (well maybe men too, Misty are there any men?) will come together to create...sharing Misty's love of art and teaching. I now love this image....the hearts beating on the computer monitors.....it reminds me of a line in a Sally Atkins' poem ! What the Artist Taught Me..."art is alive"!

I leave you this evening with two questions that Jena asked of us last week.
They seem like pretty simple questions. You must answer the question with a question.
A week later I am still thinking.....still trying to answer
...do I have too few questions? or too many?

"What is the most important question you are living?"

"What is the question that is patiently waiting for you?"

Sally Atkins will be in Charlottesville on Friday November 20.
She and her colleague Harold McKinney will be performing,
and our art will be on display at the Art Life Studio from 6:30-8pm! Come join us!

Winged Messenger Queen!

This is a thank you to an amazing woman who has inspired me to spread "winged messengers" of hope and goodness to dear friends and strangers. I first read about Susanna's messengers in an issue of Somerset Life. I was so inspired that I reached out to her and very timidly asked if I could have one of her messengers to photograph around Charlottesville, Virginia. I thought about what it would feel like to find one of her "winged messengers".....would it make me smile? would it be just what I needed to hear that day? would I dare take it? I was so pleasantly surprised when I received an immediate response from Susanna. She graciously agreed to send me some wings for Charlottesville. She even thanked me. You could tell that she was humbled by all of the souls....like me....who were so touched by her generosity...free art to find. She asked what message I would like. I chose the "you will be okay"....it seemed fitting considering the state of our economy and some of the personal issues going on in my own life. It is difficult to explain the feeling of joy when I received the envelope with a little drawing of a winged messenger in the corner. I felt like a little kid. Of course the wings were beautiful ...and there was a sweet hand-written note from Susanna. It took me about a month to finally take the wings on their journey around Charlottesville. My oldest son and I spent a morning together in Charlottesville's own "Secret Garden" and the Downtown Mall. The photographs turned out better than I ever hoped. I look at them now and they still make me smile....more I think because of the message of goodness and generosity that Susanna shared with me. "You will be okay" has become my mantra, my message to share. Most recently my Expressive Arts Therapy Group had a group art show. The theme for the show was "Messages from the Wild Soul" Adventures in Art and Life. We had an entire wall covered with our own "winged messengers" (we used butterfly wings).....quotes and messages that we wanted to share with the world. The question came up during one of our gatherings...."what is your message to the world?" One of my soul sisters from our group came up with the idea to have a winged mailbox full of messages. We unveiled this at our opening.....the invitation to our guests was to take a message.....and leave a message. To this day our winged mailbox sits in the Art Life Studio. You see Susanna......goodness is contagious.....just look at all the goodness you shared and the journey it is on. Jena Leake is our Expressive Arts Therapist. She is another talented and beautiful soul. She wrote a beautiful poem for us that she read at the opening of our show. I believe that Susanna is a "winged messenger". Thank you Susanna. "You are a work of art and......Messenger Queen for the day....thank you thank you thank you!

Winged Messengers
by Jena Leake

We are each winged messengers
Arriving for adventures on the earth
Where we make soul houses
to discover our own way of belonging to the world.

Sometimes, we are bursting open with all of life's potential
like the butterfly pushing out of the cocoon as she takes her first, breathtaking flight
towards her unknown future.

Other times, we float gently on an ocean of tears,
Yearning and turning as we face our own aloneness and fears.

Though we may be scarred,
We are sacred.

This being human is an art.
The paintbrush is a doorway to healing.
Let your art be your medicine and compass for living.

Let go and embrace the true power found in your still center,
That resting place deep within where images flower and
You see yourself, at last, an artist becoming your own messenger.

So many thoughts tonight...............

As I sit here tonight I don't even know where to begin....there is so much goodness to share. As many of you know, last night was the opening of Jena Leake's Expressive Arts Therapy group show...."Messages from the Wild Soul....Adventures in Art and Life". I was so honored to be a part of this group and share the evening with my "soul sistas". Over the past week all of us have expressed our nervous anticipation about the show....thinking about speaking in front of a group of friends and strangers was a bit daunting. The inner critic who sits on my shoulder made sure I knew all of the things that could go wrong.....the worst being that I would freeze up and not be able to speak at all. At 6:30 Jena and her husband Robert used beautiful chimes to signal the beginning of our presentation. Jena introduced our guests to the studio, our process and to us with a beautiful poem written about us and for us by her. She was positively radiant as she spoke and it gave me chills. One by one we began to share our "adventures in art and life". It was truly inspiring and beautiful to hear the stories ....such brave, beautiful and courageous souls! I was surprised that when I spoke I was not nearly as nervous as I thought I would be. In fact, I think I could have spoken a little longer.....there was so much goodness to share. I was overwhelmed by the kind comments and hugs that I received from people I had never met. Surprised that I didn't hide from the camera.....for those of you who know me well....that is HUGE!! I will be posting more about the show along with photos over the next week.

You know how sometimes you meet someone and you just feel an instant connection? You just get a sense that you can speak freely. I had an experience like that today at work. I believe that you can tell a lot about someone by their eyes....they are the "windows to the soul"....this donor who came in today....a beautiful woman with beautiful presence had these eyes. We began talking about the Farmer's Market and I just felt that I should share my poem experience with her. I told her about Charlotte Matthews, her little yellow desk, her vintage typewriter and the beautiful poem she wrote for me a few weeks ago. You could just tell that she was delighted with the idea and the wheels were already turning....she wanted some poems for a very special woman. Another beautiful soul who is very sick right now. As it turns out, we have been speaking with each other for the past few weeks....coordinating blood for her friend. We hugged and she shared a beautiful story with me about a children's choir in NYC who sang Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide". I have to try to find this on YouTube. We talked about our desire to share goodness and hope....not only within our own family but to send "winged messengers" to our community and out into the world. I love these moments.....

There is still so much to share.....my experiences from last night and this morning still seeping into my heart and soul.

from Picking Clean the Bones by Sally Atkins

It matters what you did this morning
and last Saturday night
And last year,
Not because you are important
But because you are in it
And it is still moving,
We are all in this story together.
Listen:
In the silence between there is music;
In the spaces between there is story.
Pay attention:
We are listening each other into being.

Soul Houses..........

So much goodness to share....................

Familiar Souls

What the Artist Taught Me! by Sally Atkins

What the Artist Taught Me

When you can make art, you must,
When you can't you read
And watch TV.

Art goes with fine chocolate,
Champagne, and Wagner.
Art seeps into all your crevices
Like a low, soft river
Or crashes through your blood
Like whitewater.

Art is alive.
It grabs you at night, keeps you
Working until dawn,
In the morning keeps you
Looking, looking
Seeing with your whole body,
Keeps you open like flowers,
Bursting like seed pods,
Keeps you speaking aloud
The truth you did not know
You knew.

Sally Atkins from Picking Clean the Bones

Strange and Unexplainable Things.....

After a nice morning at the City Market and a refreshing nap.....we went trail-walking in the woods behind our house. Rowan had a fabulous time running ahead and finding frogs and rocks to throw into the creek. He was absolutely full of energy. Then....the strangest thing happened....we got to a pond, Rowan sat down and got really quiet and serious. He said that he was "waiting for my Grandpa". Rex and I looked at each other and asked him who he was waiting for.....again..."waiting for my Grandpa". He then began to talk to his Grandpa in a very quiet voice...Rowan never got the opportunity to meet Rex's Father before he died. He calls my Dad Opa and has seen him many times. This is one of those times that no matter what or who you believe in.....you cannot help but be touched and have a huge sense of wonder about what happened. I would like to believe that Rex's Dad, Rowan's Grandpa, was indeed there and was speaking with Rowan and that they have finally met.

A Poem for Me!

We went to the City Market today to buy fresh tomatoes and whatever else caught our eye. I left Rex and Rowan (they were in line to get a fancy balloon animal) to wander around. What I spotted made me smile.....a tiny little yellow desk, a vintage typewriter sitting on top, a beautiful woman sitting behind the desk banging away on the keys. The sign said "expressive help. The poet is in" ala Lucy from the Peanuts. I couldn't resist! I was told to pick 3 words out of the basket and then give her my subject. "soul house" immediately came to mind. She asked me my name and then told me to return in 10 minutes and she would have a poem for me. I love love love my poem! It speaks to me and MY soul house. What a wonderful thing to stumble upon today! If you live in Charlottesville, please stop by her desk for some "expressive" help. You won't be disappointed.

Change and Transition

My only daughter turned 18 today will be leaving for college this Wednesday. She cannot wait to go...she is tired of being at home and is ready for her new life to begin. Am I ready? I'm not sure. It is truly bittersweet. I believe that sometimes to make the transition easier.....(for who I don't know!), your children start acting completely alien....mouthy, bratty, and all too quick to point out that they are now adults (even though they are still quite dependent!) That is kind of where I am now. She is ready to leave....and yes, I am ready for her to leave. My mom reminded me that before I began my freshman year that I lost my mind....I moved into a hotel for a week and then didn't call my parents until Thanksgiving. Now, that's bratty! I am really excited for her and I know that she is going to love college life....and....she will only be a little over an hour away. Oh my, I have two children (adult children) in college now! I'm getting older............

So, having said that.....the past week or two has been incredibly stressful. Unbelievably stressful. Last Wednesday I thought that I was going to have to re-breathe into a paper bag. I usually go to Nia class on Wednesday evenings and enjoy 1 1/2 hours of luxurious movement and deep relaxation. I was so stressed that I almost didn't go. At the last minute I decided that I needed to and I am so thankful that I did. The movement was perfect, the music was perfect and I came home feeling completely relaxed. During deep relaxation we listened to music by Snatam Kaur. I am in love with her music now. I have listened to it every night since Wednesday and it makes me feel peaceful and calm. I feel the same way when I listen to Krishna Das. I am thinking about taking some yoga classes.....they should compliment my Nia practice nicely. If you have not tried Nia.....I highly recommend that you do. It is a mind-blowing experience! It can become addictive!

Embrace Your Journey!

I am about three weeks into my new journey.....wellness! I have been going to Nia classes with a dear friend. I've lost over 10 pounds and have had the most fun doing it! Nia is an absolutely joyful experience. I am addicted! I've tried many paths to fitness and I can honestly say that this is the only form of exercise that I smilingly sweat through! Susanna, you should definitely see if the gym you are going to offers these classes. I am happy to report that I am much healthier than I first thought. I had a stress test last week. It was awesome. They did an ultrasound of my heart before exercising and then again after. It was amazing! I think that if everyone saw what their heart looked like beating inside of them then no one would abuse it. I wanted to hold my heart in my hands...to rock it like a baby and tell it that I will be kind to it from now on...and to thank it for pumping my precious blood....my life force....through my body....even when I am asleep. Sounds weird I know. I have a piece of art in my head that I can't wait to translate to paint and paper. I'm hoping to have a little free time to work on this in the next week.

Tonight I am loving this song and this one. A friend gave me a cd mix....I have been listening to it non-stop! Thank you:) And thank you Mark for this gem! And this one....this was from last Sunday's Nia class...and this one to free dance to (your way...without a worry about how you look)!

My dear friend Charlie has written a book. She is in the process right now of having it published. Please check out her website. She is passionate about mental health for transitioning Veterans....80% of the proceeds go directly to providing Veterans with free PTSD counseling. Her stories will touch your heart and your soul. I was privileged to read some of the stories before they went to the publisher. I will never forget the night that I read "Finding Grace"....it touched a part of me that I had long ago buried and hoped would never return. I sobbed uncontrollably for many reasons....but most of all....because I was not alone. There was another soul out there who had experienced similar hurt. Sharing her story has allowed me to heal a part of myself that I had hidden away. Check here for updates about her book....like when it will be available for purchase! Writing about this has brought this song to my mind.

I leave you tonight (this morning) with the beautiful music of Huun Huur Tu. If you have never heard throat singing before, you are in for a treat. I've been looking for this group on and off for 5 years....ever since I first heard them on NPR. I love youtube!

Grandma was here!

My grandmother died several years ago. Not long after she passed, my mom was in Barnes & Noble when a book jumped off the shelf and demanded her attention. I don't recall the title but I remember that it was a story about a woman who had also lost her mother. She began discovering feathers in her house in the most unexpected places. Strangely enough, my mom also started finding feathers after her mom passed. You know when you get magazines in the mail....and sometimes they are wrapped in plastic?? Well, my mom found a feather in between the pages of Gourmet magazine....after unwrapping it and removing it from the plastic. My two sisters and I also find feathers and I love to think that my Grandma is here....watching over all of us. When Rowan was a newborn...I was changing his diaper and when I lifted his little bottom up.....there was a single white fluffy feather. I called my mom and told her that Grandma had come to welcome Rowan to the world. She was here again....just the other night....Rowan was sound asleep on his tummy and there was a perfect, delicate little feather right between his shoulders. I love you Grandma!

A very dear friend of mine lost her husband a few months back. She was telling me about working in her yard and that when her husband would work in the yard it would bring on the rain.....just at the right time. I asked her about feathers. She told me that the day she was gardening, thinking about the rain and her dear husband....she noticed a single feather sticking straight up out of the ground. How very curious!

My New Journey

The week before last I had a little bit of a scare with chest pain. I called my nurse practitioner and told her, and because I had a little pain in my jaw as well, she sent me to the ER. When you present at the ER with chest pain there are advanced protocols they follow....one of which is giving Nitro glycerin...the nurse told me that it might make me feel a little "light-headed"...she lied. I ended up with a headache from hell! Anyway...the next week I saw a new doctor who was recommended by my dad (also a doctor). This was the wake-up call I needed. He was very honest with me about the state of my health now and what it will be if I don't get serious about exercise and weight loss. For the next year I have added another full-time job to my already busy life.....my health is now front and center. Jena read us a poem during one of our Art and Soul sessions and thinking about my life now it makes so much sense. The poem is by Mary Oliver.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver

There is something really fun about this. I have rejoined the gym and started going to Nia classes again. I took a class with a friend (amazing talent)....smiled through the entire workout and just felt better about everything. If you live in the Charlottesville area you should really check out classes by this woman and this woman and this woman. They are all so talented and bring such beautiful energy to their classes.

Courage

Another wonderful quality from Ruth Gendler's Book of Qualities: This book is wonderful and it has such lovely illustrations!

Courage has roots. She sleeps on a futon on the floor and lives close to the ground. Courage looks you straight in the eye. She is not impressed with powertrippers, and she knows first aid. Courage is not afraid to weep, and she is not afraid to pray, even when she is not sure who she is praying to. When Courage walks, it is clear that she has made the journey from loneliness to solitude. The people who told me she is stern were not lying, they just forgot to mention that she is kind.

Ruth Gendler

Pleasure

The following is from the Book of Qualities by Ruth Gendler. This was read to us by Jena in a recent Expressive Arts Therapy Session. It has stuck with me and I so wanted to share this with everyone. Payday is just a few days away and this book will be coming home with me!

We could all benefit from more Pleasure in our lives!


Pleasure is wild and sweet. She likes purple flowers. She loves the sun and the wind and the night sky. She carries a silver bowl full of liquid moonlight. She has a cat named Midnight with stars on his paws.

Many people mistrust Pleasure and even more misunderstand her. For a long time I could hardly stand to be in the same room with her. I went to sleep early to avoid her. I thought she was a gossip and a flirt and she drank too much. In school we learned that she was dangerous and I was sure that she would distract me from my work. I didn't realize she could nurture me.

As I have changed, Pleasure has changed. I have learned to value her friendship.

By Ruth Gendler