Look who is looking at me!

Rex spotted this in the woods behind our house. It took me awhile to find her with my camera but wow! Isn't she beautiful?

Self Portrait Wednesdays

At the invitation of Misty Mawn, I decided to participate in her informal self-portrait Wednesdays. I know, it is Friday! This is probably one of the most uncomfortable projects I've undertaken so I kept putting it off. I do not like to be photographed and I hide from the camera. I secretly delete photos that my husband or anyone else has taken (just the ones with me in them). In photos I am barely recognizable to myself. I keep thinking that I should see the Kristin in her 20s...petite....thin...more comfortable with her outward appearance. I am now 42....I've had 4 children...I have more emotional baggage...I have external scars as well as the ones on my heart. I have always been an emotional eater and the older I've gotten the more difficult it is to get rid of excess weight. I keep telling myself that "I am not defined by my body". While I can understand this on an intellectual level......on an emotional level I refuse to believe it. I want to see something else...someone else! Through these self-portraits I am going to try to see myself as I see others......be more forgiving of myself as I am of others......to try to find the beauty in the "abandoned house that has been neglected for too many years".

Memories

Theses are two of my favorite photos....taken with my now deceased N65. I love my husband's strong hand with Rowan's tiny little hand. Every time I see this photo I smile. Rowan was about 8 months here. And.....there I am......revealed. It seems like yesterday that he was so little. He is such a dear little pumpkin! Such a "wild thing". Growing up so fast....too fast. And he is funny. Yesterday he looked at me and asked....."are you nuts"? Uh oh.....he's on to me!

My trusty Nikon N65....not so trustworthy!

I was just rereading one of my posts about the Sanatorium and read about taking my trusty N65. Well, I have to tell you that it let me down. My husband took one roll of black and white at DeJarnette and I took a roll of infrared. I went to pick up the contact sheets today and both rolls had absolutely NO images on them. I was so disappointed and could not understand how that could have happened. As it turned out I had brought my camera with me today to get the back latch repaired. When they looked at it they discovered that my shutter was really messed up. It is supposed to be flat.....it is not.....they disappeared with my camera..... took it to the back to give me an estimate on fixing it. There is no fixing it.....it needs a whole new shutter which would cost more than the camera is worth. This is a sad day. I am forced to make a decision......do I invest in another film camera (Nikon F100) or do I put my money into digital? Oh how I love film! It is my first love! I was stubborn about digital until fairly recently. Rex got a digital camera for his birthday and I have been borrowing it.....a lot! I love the instant gratification.....shooting and then coming home and immediately uploading the images......posting them to my blog....sending them to family members. This past week was painful......waiting for the contact sheets.......dying to know what I had captured......the anticipation! I would welcome any advice or information on a good digital camera. The more I sit here and write about it the more I am leaning towards digital. Have a wonderful night!

It is the little things that make me smile tonight!

Guess what Rowan did!

Creatress Workshop

Last Sunday I took Jena Leake's Creatress Worshop or mini-retreat. I convinced my dear friend Tia that she needed to take this workshop with me.....that it would be good for our souls! We spent the afternoon sharing poetry, journaling, movement, stories of love and loss....joy and heartache. We painted from our "wild souls". The beautiful painting below was painted by Tia. This painting IS Tia! She is vibrant and beautiful! She is full of life an love. She is bursting with creative energy. Oh yeah, and by the way.....she says she can't paint! :)

The painting below is mine. I can't help but think that the photographs of the sanatorium I took on Saturday influenced this painting. Just as old buildings decay if they are cast aside.......our souls too can decay if they are neglected. I need art to nourish my soul. Through expressive arts therapy I am finding my voice. I am listening more closely to the voices of others.

A poem shared in the Creatress Workshop

What the Artist Taught Me
(For Those Who Now Know)
by Sally Atkins

When you can make art, you must,
When you can't you read
And watch TV.

Art goes with fine chocolate,
Champagne, and Wagner.
Art seeps into all your crevices
Like a low, soft river
Or crashes through your blood
Like whitewater.

Art is alive.
It grabs you at night, keeps you
Working until dawn,
In the morning keeps you
Looking, looking
Seeing with your whole body,
Keeps you open like flowers,
Bursting like seed pods,
Keeps you speaking aloud
The truth you did not know
You knew.

A few more.......

Finding beauty through neglect

Rex and I went to the DeJarnette Sanatorium in Staunton, Virginia yesterday. It is hard to believe that I was actually able to make my dream a reality. It seemed so impossible just a few weeks ago. I really thought that I would not be given permission to the site and that caused some anxiety for me because the artist in me needed to take these photos......if I didn't.....it would haunt me. Speaking of haunting...I have read a lot on the Internet about this Sanatorium.....many believe it to be haunted...given the Sanatorium's ugly history I am not surprised. Personally, I don't believe in haunting or ghosts and I was not afraid while I was there. A lot of windows are broken and there are loose boards covering some of the windows and doors. Yesterday was quite windy and this place is high on a hill.....you could hear doors slamming and things rattling. I was able to find the beauty in this old neglected building. It was once new and perfect and beautiful. It has had a hard life and has been damaged. Several years ago it was abandoned and cast aside.....left for nature to consume it. Lately I have been doing a lot of soul work. Trying to discover who I am.....and why I hide behind a "mask". I was once new and perfect and beautiful.......I have been damaged.....by life, by myself....by allowing others to hurt me........I have felt dismissed.... and so somewhere along my life's path I have forgotten my own soul. I am in the process of trying to find the beauty within me.......and I am encouraging all of you to take care of your soul....find the beauty within yourselves and others.......and the abandoned buildings you see on the side of the road.

DeJarnette Sanatorium...a closer look

On my way to Staunton.........

Well.......I'm getting ready to leave work and head down I64 towards Staunton. As many of you know, I have been trying to get permission to photograph on the property of the DeJarnette Sanatorium. Permission was granted! I have a lot of nervous energy and anxiety about the place. A lot of bad things happened there (involuntary sterilizations)......some say it is haunted. A friend of mine photographed it last week and he said he was approached by a policeman. The policeman told him it was haunted. I am taking my old faithful Nikon N65....shooting 35mm film. I'm bringing digital for instant gratification. I'm also trying something new.......infrared film! I LOVE experimenting. Susanna.....you have inspired me. I am trying to make messenger birds to leave places. I didn't get them made up today but plan to go back and leave one at the sanatorium.......maybe wings will help the tortured souls fly far away from that place. Wishful thinking. It is so beautiful in Charlottesville today. The sun is shining and there is a soothing breeze. I hope that all of you get a chance to take your wild souls out to play!

Wild Women......You Are Beautiful!

Tonight was the last of my Art & Soul Expressive Art Therapy classes. Well, at least for this 8 weeks. If it was truly the last night it would have been so bittersweet.......you see, I have quickly grown to love these wild women of art & soul! I honor their strength, their beauty, their playful nature......their honesty and generosity......their vulnerabilities. We share similar stories. Jena has graciously agreed to guide us through another 8 weeks......a continuation of the journey we have begun. Together we will continue playing with and exploring all of the arts modalities to discover what is emerging in each of us. This is deep work. Soul work. It is uncomfortable at times. I have discovered parts of myself that have long been buried. Tonight I didn't feel like working on my self portrait or my mask. I wanted to sit back and observe...to take pictures of the studio, the artwork, the wild women. Jena asked if I would like her to take my photograph. The uncomfortableness set in. I am not ready. Oh, I do have such a longing to be photographed.....to have one observe me as I observe others. To document my process.....my growth....my art. I am still hiding...faceless...holding on to old messages of hurt and shame. The face on my self portrait remains blank...I am in the process of discovering who I am....redefining....reshaping....holding on to the good and trying so hard to let go of the negative things that hold me back. I purposefully left my self portrait at the studio. When our group gets together again in May I will revisit my painting......my hope is that through this process a little more of myself will be revealed. The very first class we had Jena read a poem by Sally Atkins. I thought the poem was beautiful then but it has so much more meaning for me now. I would like to share it with all of the wild women in my life....past present and future......

Tell Me, She Said

Tell me, she said:
What is the story you are telling?
What wild song is singing itself through you?

Listen:
In the silence between there is music;
In the spaces between there is story.

It is the song you are living now,
It is the story of the place where you are.
It contains the shapes of these old mountains,
The green of the rhododendron leaves.

It is happening right now in your breath,
In your heart beat still
Drumming the deeper rhythm
Beneath your cracking words.

It matters what you did this morning
And last Saturday night
And last year,

Not because you are important
But because you are in it
And it is still moving.
We are all in this story together.

Listen:
In the silence between there is music;
In the spaces between there is story.

Pay attention:
We are listening each other into being.

Me

Charlie

Jena

Anina

Heather